The Newest Weapon Against ISIS: Wild Boars

Nay, dear reader, you are not misreading the title and it isn’t “fake news”. The Times, a British periodical, has just reported that a pack of wild boars mauled ISIS militants who were hiding in the mountains of Hamrin, approximately 55 miles outside of Kirkuk. 3 died and 5 were injured in the “attacks”.

Considering that Muslims are prohibited by Sharia Law to consume pork and commanded to eat halal meat instead, this incident constitutes a high level of hilarity and irony. Yet, it also provides the US a wonderful opportunity to significantly alter its policy towards combating what Obama demagogically and pigheadedly (pun intended) called “the JV team”.

An integral part of Trump’s campaign platform is to reduce American involvement in international disputes and to utterly annihilate the Islamic State (although he used much more ambiguous but colorful language to state as much during the campaign). Hence, these obviously pro-American, anti-Islamic pigs have shown Trump how to effectively and efficiently accomplish both goals.

Here’s my take on how President and Commander-in-Chief Trump can go about implementing what could be our newly christened offensive strategy against ISIS, without even adding a significant amount to our defense budget or losing additional American soldiers in the process:

1) Pay Americans who farm wild boars to increase their number by proper breeding techniques.

2) Once the boars have reached a satisfactory age/weight range, draft them into military service. Soon after, have them train with the much celebrated Seal Team Six and outfit them with cutting edge tactical gear. Considering that these trainees are animals, it would be advisable to rename this highly trained military outfit “Seal Team 6 – Swine Division”. (No disrespect intended to the real Seal Team Six.)

3) Since the Swine Division are perfectly capable of withstanding high altitude jumps and have learned to move about without being discovered, due to their training, they would be parachuted down to ISIS held territories during the dead of night. After being given the “go-ahead” by President Trump, the wild boars would absolutely ravage Islamic State forces and thus, bring an end to Mohammedan group.

No American lives lost (humans, that is) and no need to spend money on deploying missiles, tanks, drones or any other such weapons to “take out” the militants.

Your welcome, President Trump. All this advice is absolutely pro bono. (Although, if I were to be bestowed, by the President, an honorary, permanent membership to all of his golf courses as a token of gratitude, I would be highly appreciative.)

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